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tkal
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Name: Tony
Location: California, United States
Birthday: 10/25/1982
Gender: Male
Interests: drawing stuff mostly anime but i CAN draw other things, bowling, pro sports, writing, music: incubus, linkin park, jamiroquai, pop alternative stuff like that, 2pac, Biggie, Em, Dre, Snoop, g funk rap stuff like that, t r a n c e , POP junkie, and oldies lover, BoA's my idol, skateboarding but too chicken to try tricks, naruto! video games- ps2 only, oh and girls.
Expertise: ALL
Occupation: Other
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  T kal 2k
Member Since:
2/15/2003
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| 24 points, 12 rebounds.
After 4 long and agonizing years being a Laker fan, watching the sudden implosion of the 2004 Lakers, after riding so high in confidence. Then the Shaq trade. And then, the mother of all insults, Dwyane Wade fell down 9 times, and got up and won a freaking championship. I was in despair. I wore my black Laker shirt proudly, like I had witnessed something amazing once, 3peat. And then we actually traded for Kwame "if you look at me in the right angle, you might see basketball player" Brown.
Things seem like they couldn't be any worse. Kobe wanting to get traded to the Bulls. And why not? The Bulls were young and talented, their starting five were all productive and barely 25. You couldn't blame him honestly. What did we get from the 2004 Laker team. Not as much as what Miami got.
But then this happened, last Friday, out of the wild blue. We traded Kwame Brown for what? Pau Gasol??? Are you sure you didn't mean Stromile Swift? Pau freakin' Gasol??? It was like finding out that....
this is the extent of me trying to immitate the great web sports writers that i read and follow so dearly. it feels mechanical, the way each analogy is pointing to some treasure trove of nostalgia and slight insight. with all the stuff i read, i supposed that some of it would pour out with some ease.
wow its been too long since i wrote in here. whats new? still at the same job, still trying to be a professional engineer. i had given up on all contacts prior to the past few years, because relationships have become like q-tips: easy and disposable.
i deleted my myspace and facebook, and though i dont feel as with it, i am more at peace. no need to fester any fake online relationships with people i knew once. i do feel curious about some people and want to know how they're doing every once in a while, but i also feel curious about odors and you dont see me chasing after smells.
i guess with all this extensive connectivity, we duh, have lost all sense of closeness. not that we need that closeness, but the world does seem more inclined to keep people apart from human contact.
in other news, i have several new favorite shows now: the wire, the office, the l word. though the l word, im still out on a hung jury for that one. i see the characters, and for some reason, i like watching them interact, i think the world they created is interesting for those characters to inhabit, but honestly i dont know anyone who could be on the show, and though its cute and neat, i feel like there are some characters i like watching, and some characters i dont. also if the show was composed of just characters i liked, say jenny, max, and shane, the show would be pretty boring. so im conflicted honestly.
the wire and the office on the other hand, have characters that are kind of annoying, but the way they flesh out, they dont get too boring or annoying. even if describing them can sound one-dimensional, all those subtle nuances and curiosities really make you want to know more, or at least keep tabs on them.
personally, i am doing good. i have started going to gym, like all the other new year's resolution monkeys, and i am doing fairly well at my job. people like me, though i cant shake the feeling, that im young, and i could do alot more if i take a chance. a chance on what, i haven't the slightest clue.
i have been looking for houses, because my parents offered to help me with teh down payment. so far though not so much luck. i guess i get wary when people tell me to choose the right house and to keep looking etc. because that regard would leade me to believe that one is never satisifed with what they have, and if you dont like it, you don't buy it? i dont know how any one could make a decision with that looming over their head.also if you have my income, or anything less, you pretty much dont feel motivated to buy anything.
this by the way will be my attempt at connectedness, to show my maturity as a writer, because i no longer write for myself and force you to ingest my babbling and ramblings like the cafeteria lunch lady; i will try to bring in stories of interest and things that people can easily relate to.
hakuna matata.
no seriously, you remember the time in middle school when you were first picking out your electives, you could choose anything, but me and my closed mindedness, or immaturity, everything meant everything on the first page of classes that started with bettering myself. self-vision can lead to tunnel vision and before you know it, you're like Dante from Clerks, or Casper from Kids, or to a lesser extent Jim from the office, wondering where the time went, and always thinking about potential and finally seeing through yourself as being anybody. you could have been the football star, but you end up just being a faceless face with a nameless name.
with infinite imagination and potential, the Secret, and whatever beliefs you'd love to sell, you could truly take control of your life your character and say "you know what? i'm tired of being a plumber? I'm tired of trying to saving a princess i've never met. i want to be a professional golfer" and bam! instant life change as you look back to you when you were young and stupid, decidedly on the verge of deciding the path you were going to take, without realizing what kind of domino effect this was going to have on your life, and say change is for sissies, im taking this dream and im bulldozing with it.
change takes that baby step that nobody wants to take. change takes that little committment that no one wants to make. and change takes that heart, that nobody wants to fulfill.
and i guess change is good. keeps you on your toes, progress you as your life grows with experience points. but at some points in our lives, we just get so freaking content. it all becomes an obstacle that can never be overcome, and we have forgotten why we were sad to begin with.
that is why change is good. by this time next year, i better not be still where i am right now.
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| so i drive to work today, and im ready to go out to lunch with buddies when i noticed. wait let me back track.
so i was driving back to davis the day before when camille noticed that my tires are bald. like flat bald. couldnt be any balder with no tread. i worried that the tire was gonna burst on the way down. but i went anyway, and by lady luck, i made it.
so the next day i go to lunch and find a tear in the tire. not just a little tear, but like a deep cut through the belt. it was bad. so i called up places. costco- 23 people changing tires by 3 in the afternoon, closing up shop at 4. so i called and called and then found sam's club had the best deal.
so i was like ok,
1) get sam's club membership
2) get tires replaced.
so after work i jet over at like 40mph, cuz im pretty worried that my tire is gonna blow in any second. i get there and run to the membership counter.
i said "can i get a membership please? what time did does the tire place close?"
she said "6:30" and to run over and pick out the tires quick so she can ring me up with the card and tires.
so i ran over and found my tires and ran back. i was ready to pay with my new amex card.
fuck. it declined. they dont take amex.
so i said 'can i open a discover card.' and i prayed i could get approved.
there was a computer glitch. but then i was approved. just enough. ran over the tire place and begged them to take my car. it was 6:40.
by the graces of good fortune. they did it. what a relief. my car gives me hope for another day. after all that i've done for it, and all that it did for me. an amazing machine that has given me such loyalty. from the payout on the salvage title, to all the trips up to davis with incredible gas mileage and companionship. it is my home away from home. and i couldnt bear to sell it after all that its given me.
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| Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
yea i've become a pink floyd fan. i mean when i listen to them, i felt like it was inevitable. like i was already a fan, and i didnt really know it yet. music feeds the soul. it revitalizes you. gives you spirit. takes a moment in time and brands it as forever that moment in your life, truly ageless.
its easy to be docile, and let life pass you by. you do what you're comfortable with. sometimes that means watchin tv, or playing games or finding some distraction to appease you. and you can be driven and make the most of it all, diligently working towards your goals with great ambition, until you are fullfilled by material wealth.
and in the end, what does it all mean? when you die tomorrow, what will you leave behind? a lot of junk?
me, i like junk as much as the next guy, but i need meaning. i need validation, not in the way you expect, because i know validation and respect doesnt come from wealth you attain, or how great of an image you put up with your life, your clothes, your car, your trophies, cuz in the end the shallowness becomes like a shallow grave. people arent gonna say when they pass by, 'man that guy had such a nice car'.
meaning is heavy, and its hard live heavy handedly. its easier to go through the motions and just fake it like the rest of them. i mean if they can do it, why cant i? but i also feel like the sooner i go through this mid life crisis, the sooner i'd snap out of the mundane and find something to really say. and i dont mean that everybody's life is meaningless, i feel like i havent created meaning in mine yet.
there's a lot that i can say about my life, much like anyone else. and meaning can be derived, nay even partially pieced together by these xanga entries and drawings few and far between, but its all lacking. to me, i feel like greatness is an admirable goal, and ambition goes hand in hand with it, and it is what i aspire, because its my fate. its my definition of who i am.
and i can go on and on about myself and my ideals, and how great they are, and how much blah blah blah, and how limitations and boundaries in the mind are far more confining than any other in real life. but i guess at some point i just have to realize that time and feeling unfulfilled isnt all that makes up of me.
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| i feel the empty satisfaction that every minority feels.
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| i haven't listen to hip hop in while. i guess it was all hyper-blingyness that made it so...unappealing. but as i was cruising to work i caught the new Game "Let's Ride", and it was chronic
good. of course its a tad derivative all rap is really, but it was
genuinely g-funk good. i picked up the album just now, and its
surprisingly well-rounded; i recommend it for anybody who's throwing up
from nine-deuce, or nine-tre....haha.
anyway if i had to describe the year so far, i would say it was like being on a see-saw, or ying-yang.
it started out employed for 4 months and being completely unused. i
asked asked asked for work, and they gave me frivolous work to keep me
busy for a little bit. they didnt expect me to finish it so quickly, so
i worked s l o w e r, and when they didnt want to give me work, i
just sat around and surfed the web. sometimes i brought my laptop and
worked on other things on their clock, cuz i don't feel comfortable
sitting around pretending to look busy for 8 hours; time moves too
slowly. of course this meant that this wasthe first time i got fired.
haha.
but i got unemployment for the first time as well, so for the next 4 months i was on a mini vacation. of course i couldn't enjoy
it. there was a lot of self doubt in me. i really believed for a while
that i was just lazy riff-raff. just a no-goodnick. but i sent out my
resumes and posted em everywhere and went to countless interviews.
and then i worked for a week in san ramon, commuting from davis for a
week. i worked my week, asked if i was comming in longer, and the
answer was no. it wasnt anything i did, it was just an environment that
didnt want to pay to train me. i began to feel like the entire industry
was like that. they all wanted something for nothing, and i began to
resent that i even went to college. i resented having an eit
certification. i resented wasting all this time in an industry that
didnt even want/value a college grad for the potential i have.
and now here i am in the last quarter of the year. working again in
newport. i come in early, i leave late, and time passes so quickly i
dont even notice. i do more than i did in any other job, learned more
than any other job, and i'm actually needed. i'm actually liked. i work
hard.
its a trip. i didnt change as a person. i didnt harbor some sort of
desire to prove myself. i just took it as it comes. but to go from
shiftless to working harder than a japanese beaver, just says how much
environment makes a different. a difference between working with
white-trash in a small town in a small company which values
family members over qualified individuals. working with field guys who
got office jobs, to actual college grads.
not-for-nothin, but people shouldnt ever devalue a college degree.
maybe its a given, and maybe i didnt work hard enough through college
to truly value it, but any job that devalues you isnt really that great
of job. and it doesnt matter what people say about sticking with it,
and sucking it up, in the end, you're worth more than that.
you're treated like some fucking coolie or fob and you're supposed to
be fuckin grateful? maybe if you dont have any balls, this might work.
but i'm too young to be treated like old news. and people who think
that i'm paying my dues that way, no. i paid my dues in school. i dont
need to be treated worse than high school grads.
but i dont harbor hatred for my experiences or choices. people have
given me great advice, and people have given me downright horrible
advice. and i guess i wouldn't be where i am without the choices i
made.
from the guy who did nothin, to the guy who gets it done. its hip hop.
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